if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize