She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
