Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
