tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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