I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize