so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
