I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
