just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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