It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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