I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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