Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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