Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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