glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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