come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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