It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
