my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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