i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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