Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
