You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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