Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
