The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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