dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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