im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
