Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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