Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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