Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
