hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
