I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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