It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
