My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
