wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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