he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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