My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
