How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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