i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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