Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
third nipple confirmed
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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