On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
