All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
