The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
