I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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