Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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