He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
