Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
