i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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