You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
