She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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