i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We talked him into tasing himself.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He better not be in your backpack
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
