I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
