please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize