In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
