and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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