I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
