I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
