I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
