It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
