I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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