If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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