i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
