he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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