Im at strip club and am horny
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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