I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
