you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
